failing world.

counselling group.

IRENE is holding a counselling group for the victims of terrible jokes.

IRENE: So, who'd like to go first?
ENGLISHMAN: I would Irene. I mean, me and my friends have found it ridiculously difficult to live anymore.
SCOTSMAN: It's true, we can't go anywhere anymore. Even finding work is difficult. We just get laughed at.
IRISHMAN: I agree completely. I'm not even fully Irish, my mother was from Australia.
SCOTSMAN: I trained as a neurologist for many years, but people just don't take me seriously...
IRENE: Have you ever thought about seperating?
ENGLISHMAN: Many times, but it just doesn't work.
IRISHMAN: Yeah, I mean, how're we supposed to work as a band?
IRENE: So you're in a band together?
ENGLISHMAN: Yes we are.
IRENE: I see, but that's beyond the point. What sort of things do people say?
SCOTSMAN: All sorts of things.
IRISHMAN: Yeah, I mean, there's a whole load of fake rumours about us.
ENGLISHMAN: I heard one the other day about us finding some sort of magic lamp and getting three wishes. It was ridiculous, I mean, if we did get three wishes, I'm sure we'd come to some sort of agreement, we wouldn't waste them.
IRENE: I see, well we have another member with us. Tell us about yourself.
YO MOMMA: Well, call me foolish, but there's been a great deal of insults directed towards me, but my poor children have to suffer. They're the ones that get told these false accusations, I bet they wouldn't have the nerve to confront me face to face!
IRENE: Who's they?
YO MOMMA: Well, everyone! And I'm fed up of it! I'm recently going through a divorce, and it's been very difficult on me and my children, and the last thing I need is people going around saying "oh, yo momma is so fat" and whatnot. I know I have a weight issue, but I'm dealing with it, I've recently started that Atkins Diet.
IRENE: Has it helped?
YO MOMMA: Not really, I haven't lost any weight and my feet are turning green.

relationships.

REX, a teenager, is on the phone.

REX: So I was at this fucking party yeah, and all of a sudden these fit as lasses come out of nowhere and start getting off with us! It was proper mad, though Johnny didn't have any rubbers so we had to do it without, proper sick.

...

REX: Well yeah, you were invited! But you said you were busy or something like.

...

REX: That's fucked up, I bet you could have got a shag if you wanted.

...

REX: Well it's not my fucking fault is it? You should have kept your fucking legs closed.

...

REX: Well you're a fucking whore aren't you? You'll give out to anyone with a fucking pulse.

...

REX: Fuck off, I'll shag who I like.

...

REX: Fine, I'm not arsed.

...

REX: Yeah, love you too mum. Bye.

a bit of culture.

MIKE, a young stand-up, is halfway through a set.

MIKE: I was in a bar the other day, and funnily enough, an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all walked in. I was amazed! I went up to them and said "is this some kind of joke?"

There is no reaction from the audience. A man in the audience boos.

MIKE: Was that a boo? What made you boo sir?
MAN: You're shit!
MIKE: I'm sorry you feel that way, fortunately for me though, so is your face.
MAN: Is that the best you can come up with?
MIKE: Oh I can do much better, I just don't want to hurt your little brain.
MAN: Really? Well I shagged your mother!
MIKE: You had to go and ruin it, didn't you Dad?

The audience is disgusted. MIKE walks off. His family doesn't hold talent contests anymore.

the art of conversation #2.

TOM, EMMA and JACK are all in the park discussing a birthday party.

TOM: I can't believe how wasted I got.
EMMA: I know, I was dead this morning.
JACK: Did you see the state of Jason?
TOM: Wasn't he sick?
JACK: Yeah, he threw up everywhere man, his mum had to pick him up.
EMMA: Poor guy.
TOM: To be fair, it was his fault for drinking so much.
EMMA: True, did you see the state Terry was in?
TOM: I think I might have fell asleep by then.
EMMA: She got naked and went in the pool!
TOM: I'm glad I missed that.
JACK: She was barely wearing anything to begin with.
EMMA: I know, her mum picked out her outfit, I'd never let mine do that.
TOM: I heard Chris shit himself last night too.
JACK: Oh god, really?
TOM: Yeah, it proper stunk too.
EMMA: Well he was barely eating solid food.
TOM: I know, might explain it.
JACK: It was nice of his parents to throw him that party mind.
EMMA: Yeah, the cake was delicious.
TOM: Ah well, looks like its time to go, I'll see you later guys.
EMMA: See you.

Three mums appear and take their babies home.

the art of conversation.

A man in a trenchcoat and a school mother are at the gates of a school.

WOMAN: Hi.
MAN: ...
WOMAN: Has the bell gone yet?
MAN: Not yet, they'll be out soon.
WOMAN: Ah good, my kids'll kill me if I was late.
MAN: ...
WOMAN: So whose class are yours in?
MAN: Oh, I don't have children.
WOMAN: Ah right... Picking one up for someone then?
MAN: Nope.
WOMAN: I see...

There is an uncomfortable silence for a minute.

WOMAN: That's a nice coat.
MAN: Thank you.
WOMAN: It's a warm day, you must be roasting under there.
MAN: Not really, I'm quite cool actually.
WOMAN: Really? I'm in short sleeves and I'm sweating...
MAN: ...
WOMAN: ...

A bell rings.

WOMAN: Well, here come the kids. It was nice meeting you.
MAN: You too.

The children run out. The man flashes then walks home.

sales pitch #1

A group of businessmen are sat around a large table in a meeting room. On a plasma screen, an advertisment for a new car is being shown.

CHAIR: Well, that's the new advert, it's short and to the point. What do you all think?
DIRECTOR: Hmm, it's alright, but I think the message is TOO clear.
MAN #1: Yeah, we should definitely make it more subtle.
MAN #2: I agree, make the viewer confused.
MAN #1: How about we have horses instead?
CHAIR: I really think-
MAN #2: Maybe we could have a man walking a badger too?
MAN #1: Whilst riding a horse!
MAN #2: Yeah, now we're on to something...
CHAIR: But the advert-
DIRECTOR: I like the way this is going.
MAN #1: Maybe the man suffers from erectile disfunction?
MAN #2: Shock factor! We could even have a lot of sexy women walking around the horse in their underwear!
CHAIR: Oh come on now!
MAN #1: So what are we saying here, that this car will help erectile problems?
MAN #2: Well we don't really need to say anything, the advert should speak for itself.
DIRECTOR: So when does the car come into it?
MAN #1: Ah we can shove it in at the end.
MAN #2: Yeah, sex sex sex right up until the last moment!
DIRECTOR: Sex definitely sells.
CHAIR: Look, the advert is fine as it is, okay?

The meeting room goes silent.

DIRECTOR: Yeah, you're right Steve.
MAN #1: Yeah, sorry Steve.
MAN #2: So... uh, how's the toothpaste advert coming?
CHAIR: Good yeah, we've just got a million rubber balls to bounce down a street...